SHOCKING Genius Play: Kyle Sandilands SAVES Chaotic Hot Mess Premiere With Move That Has Everyone HOOKED!

Sandilands repeatedly railed against his on-air team, asking why the many technical issues hadn’t been ironed out before the premiere.

Most noticeably, the entire show was broadcast with an audible echo after every single line, as though it was being recorded live from an indoor swimming pool.

The team gamely went blue to try and make up for the rough audio experience, with longtime Sandilands acolytes like newsreader Brooklyn Ross and producer Bruno Bouchet offering graphic X-rated anecdotes about their sex lives to try and fill the awkward silences (quite the ask at 6am on your first day in a new job).

By the three-hour mark, Sandilands was back on familiar turf, interviewing a woman and the younger man she was dating – her former stepson.

Sandilands gleefully asked the woman what the young man’s penis tasted like, and asked the 19-year-old if his stepmother was the first person he “ate out”.

It was the happiest he seemed all episode.

By even the most generous reading of this premiere, Kyle Sandilands Live was a hot mess: Stilted banter, no big celebrity interviews (Pauline Hanson doesn’t count) and a bespoke musical playlist that reveals Sandilands has a surprising penchant for tinny A.I. dance remixes of 80s hits.

But really, the joke’s on those of us who tuned in. For the privilege of watching, listeners had to stump up $99 for an annual membership (don’t judge … mine went on the work card).

Unlike most other podcasts, patreons and paid subscriptions in today’s fractured media landscape, Sandilands is offering no monthly subscription option. No week-long free trial.

Curious to hear his new show? It’ll cost you almost $100, even if you only tune in for 10 minutes.

It means Sandilands and co. have bought themselves time to iron out the show’s problems, knowing that every single person who tuned in today is also a paid-up viewer until August 2027.

One other benefit to a closed subscription service, compared to Sandilands’ past in commercial radio: We’ll never know exactly how many people have given Sandilands their $99. If the ratings suck, that’s only for them to know.

“I know you’re not giving out subscriber numbers, but you’ve gone alright,” was the vague measure of success one member of the team gave on-air this morning.

Sandilands remained coy but seemed to suggest that the show is already not far off getting 100,000 subscribers – a huge number that would see the venture pulling in almost $10 million in subscriber payments per year.

“Once we get over 100k subscribers, which is not going to be long, we’ll give away a car every month,” Sandilands promised.

“200k and we’ll give away a house a year.”

The show’s gaffes continued as the premiere stretched past the four-hour mark this morning: Comedian Dave Hughes dialled in under his new self-appointed remit as political commentator, but his voice was barely audible over the echoey, broken phone connection as he and Sandilands spoke about their shared admiration for Pauline Hanson.

Shortly after, Sandilands tried to call Prime Minister Anthony Albanese live on-air – but accidentally dialled former PM Scott Morrison (it went to voicemail; Sandilands hung up without leaving a message. Brutal). Eventually, he got through to the current PM – who promptly hung up on him without answering.

“I think we have improved a lot over the past few hours, haven’t we?” newsreader Brooklyn Ross asked in the final minutes of today’s episode, his voice echoing as though he was trapped in a cave. That’s debatable – but hey, if you were one of the ones tuning in, they already got your 99 bucks.